Wednesday, September 3, 2014

T H R E E | "When I grow up I want to be..."

Three days into the Blog-tember Challenge, and it's already been so worth it! You gals have jumped in full force! Yesterday I stepped outside into a torrential downpour before classes --my first real thunder storm in over a year!-- and was eager to add it to my list of happy things. Your lists were wonderful, and encouraged me to find joy in other places throughout the day! Thanks, dears.

Now, onto the future!  

Today's prompt: "When I grow up I want to be..." Answer as your 5-year-old self or as you are now.


I won't grow up. I won't grow up.
I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go to school. 
Just to learn to be a parrot. Just to learn to be a parrot.
And recite a silly rule. And recite a silly rule.

Thinking about growing up brings Peter Pan to mind, and the song above keeps ringing in my ears. The charming, immortal boy who fell out of his pram and gathered a bumbling band of Lost Boys, battling pirates, saving island natives, listening to fairytales at the window. Pretty picturesque, don't you think? For a while I thought I'd want to be just like him, putting off the growing up years and growing up pains for as long as possible, but in reality it was quite the opposite. I, like Wendy, wanted to grow up. I wanted what the world had waiting for me. I wanted more.

I still do, I think. In kindergarden, I wanted to be one of the 5th graders, to get to go on field trips and have school in the upstairs classrooms. In 5th grade, I was eager for middle school. I wanted to be done with the drama, and had little to no idea just how much drama --and how many different sorts of drama-- were in my future. In high school I swore I'd never teach, yet here I am back in school and ready to stay. I've come full circle, it would seem. 

On career day in 1996, I said I wanted to be a teacher. 
Today, on September 3, 2014, I say I still do.

Then again, there are days I want to be a stay at home mom or be part of planting a church somewhere in America or in Europe. Other days I want to work in the wedding industry, planning events, coordinating photoshoots, wearing a myriad of hats and titles. Skip a day or two and I will tell you that I want to write; bring on the novels, blog posts, essays, academic papers, short stories, and nonfiction pieces. I want to write and put my voice out into the world to make a difference. 
I'm dreaming in six different directions, and you may have heard that before.

Last year I really struggled with the feeling of being pulled every which way by said dreams, and my knees buckled under the weight. I wanted to toss it all out the window rather than risk choosing the wrong one. I want God's plan for my life more than my own, but the control freak in me doesn't always know how to let go. In the middle of my wondering and worrying, by the gracious prompting and patience of Jesus, it all boiled down to something so simple. So simple, but a game changer none the less. It's the root of all my dreams, something I hold on to when the rest is muddled. Call it a mission statement if you will, but this is where I'm headed:

When I grow up I want to be 
engaged in encouraging community, 
cultivating a creative life,  
investing in the hearts and lives of women.

Notice it doesn't say "doing theatre" or "living in Texas" or even "married with 3+ children" --and believe me, I tried to put those pesky words in there. This dream, this plan, is not attached to a person or a place, but a peace that transcends understanding, the peace that comes when you give your worries and your anxieties to God and trust Him with your future. I have to hold onto that peace and to His promise to be with me every step of the way. 

Even if that means He changes my mind tomorrow and sends me in an entirely different direction ;)
What about you, friends? What did you or do you want to be when you grow up?

Brave Love Blog


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