Monday, February 3, 2014

T H R E E || Big, Big, Big, Big Water

Anyone else have the song from Land Before Time stuck in their head now? No? Just me I guess.... well, you don't know what you're missing. Number 6 or maybe it was 4, 5 or 7 might be my all time favorite. By the way, the title is totally relevant, I promise.

It's the third day of the #blogeverydayinFEB challenge, and today's prompt is "Something that Scares You". Boy does this one hit the heart because the start of 2014 has been filled with the realization that I often operate out of a spirit of fear. Many of my daily decisions and causes of my anxiety stem from my fear of man, fear of others' opinions, and fear of failure. 

Of course I have other fears, much more minor and that make for more entertaining conversation.
I m afraid of heights.
I am afraid of snakes.
I am afraid of water I can't see through (hence the song from before...).
I am afraid of horse-drawn carriages (there's a terrifying funny story that goes with that one).
I am afraid of walking outside alone at night.

Those don't seem out of the ordinary or too irrational (except maybe the carriages one, but I promise it makes more sense with the story!) and I can usually power through them if there is a need in the moment.

But the fear that casts a large shadow over my days is my fear of man. Not fear of a particular human being or of the male species or even of what a person might physically do to me, but a fear of what people think of me. I fear losing my reputation or people's interpretations of the things that I say and decisions that I make, and when I dwell on this fear for too long it is paralyzing. Even when I don't think about it --because, let's be honest, ignoring it doesn't necessarily make it go away or mean that I've conquered it-- my day is still affected by it. 

I see evidence of this every day as I move toward my next season, my next step, and this fear has had too much of a hold on me so far this year. I don't share this fear to say "Here's how I conquered it!" because it is literally a daily battle. I battled it over the weekend, second guessing a joke told or a gesture made. I'm battling it this week as I prepare for a grad school interview and interactions with the parents of my students, and I have been battling it for months, giving the "supposed" opinions of others dictate and sway my decision making.

I'm tired of it, and I want it gone. I want to walk out in confidence because I really have no reason not to. My God is a powerful God who loves me and calls me worthy. He is the author and perfecter of my faith, a faith which He promises to supply and have for me even when I'm running on empty. And let's just say that my gas light has been on in the faith department for a while. No matter if I'm running on fumes, He is still faithful. 


I've probably thanked you twelve times, but Katie, this has been such a gem these past two months! I am so thankful for the way you hear the Lord and cover me with prayer! You are a great blessing to me :)

This is still a work in progress. I don't pretend to have it all figured out. But I am choosing to hold onto the truth instead of the lie. Even when it doesn't feel like I'm winning. God is the ultimate victor and He has already defeated what I'm up against. I choose to believe that He has goodness for me. I choose to believe that He has made me whole. I choose to believe what He says and thinks about me above what I think others are thinking.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

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6 comments:

  1. Yes and amen to all of this post! I'm with you there, and after a very frustrating past several months professionally, I can tell you that wanting to please "man" is so much more difficult for me. I am a type A personality and yet know that it's not always going to happen, but when someone else nit picks and expects perfection... I have been struggling with it! Love the Bible verse, and definitely will be praying for peace for you, too.

    xoxo

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  2. ugh! totally feel you on the fear of man. we know as sisters in Christ that we should only fear of what God thinks but it's so much easier said then done. its a constant fear and battle for me too!

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    1. p.s that photo of the 2 Tim. verse is gorgeous!

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  3. I like your way of writing and I'm inspired by your blogs.. keep up the good work..

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  4. Land Before Time! Yes...I sang your post title. :) This is a great post, Bailey- I think we all struggle with this one. For me, I'm not so much afraid of what people think of me, it doesn't bother me if they don't agree with me or if I go a different, less traveled path, I'm not afraid of people scrutinizing the choices I make because I do that with conviction. But, it is when I make an effort and put myself out there on purpose, THEN I'm afraid... of being accepted...or not. We have to make that trusting step to live vulnerable lives because that is how Jesus lived, regardless of whether we are accepted or no.

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  5. Haha, loved Land Before Time! And such a great verse, always a good reminder!!

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